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My reason for this post is Hearthfire, a mod so soporific and shit that even UESP's team of panting sycophants can't write anything enthusiastic about it. Oops - I'm not supposed to be attacking UESP today. So let's say "Well done Legoless for writing a post without letting on that the entire Elder Scrolls community has collectively shouted 'What the FUCK?' at their monitors having seen the latest shit-awful garbage that Bethesda has vomited up."
There is no fucking way I'm linking to the announcement trailer, so any of you that haven't already watched it can see it off the UESP notice above. So you have some chance of catching your jaw before it falls off, I'll spoil the trailer by saying the new mod is about buying a plot of land, designing and decorating your own home, moving your spouse there and then adopting children. No this isn't your friendly Uncle Tiber pissing about. That is what the new mod is about.
Seriously.
Let's pause for a moment and reflect on the TES series. Not the games in it - the series itself. TES stands for "The Elder Scrolls" and if it's "about" anything it's "about" those tiny frozen fragments of reality called the Elder Scrolls. They let you see into the past, change the past, change the present and generally fuck with the entire fabric of space and time. In the latest incarnation of the series, we have dragons, vampires, werewolves and
So let me ask the towering intellects at Bethesda this:
What the FUCK are you doing releasing a fucking SIMS mod?
Seriously?
Backtrack once again. This time we're going back to Morrowind. And no, I'm not one of those tedious fucks that populate message boards moaning that Morrowind was great and everything since then has been worse. No, I'm going back there because that's when DLC started.
For Morrowind, Bethesda released several free DLCs and they were largely examples rather than genuine new content, although the free Helm of Tohan mod was pretty good. The real effort went into Tribunal and Bloodmoon, which weren't free and which added so much stuff that UESP required a whole new namespace for each of them. In Tribunal - and there are about to be spoilers - it turned out that one of the three "living gods" of Morrowind had gone mad, killing one of the others, and was plotting to kill the third. The story involved competing factions, new enemies and you ended up fighting a fucking god! Bloodmoon wasn't quite as dramatic but gave us a whole new island with new monsters, and you ended up fighting a fucking daedric prince! (sort of)
With Oblivion, although there was the awful Horse Armor mod we had the excellent Knights of the Nine, which was almost big enough for its own namespace but gave a superb buildup towards the final showdown with a ... hmm... not sure how to describe it, but it was pretty cool. Then there was Shivering Isles, which was equally awesome and led again to a fight with a daedric prince. The other DLC wasn't brilliant but gave good homes to members of the four basic classes, and added a few interesting items.
With Skyrim we get Dawnguard, which has a pretty good storyline and some interesting characters, but which was summed up by one correspondent of mine as "meh". And now we have Hearthfire.
For a start, it's supposed to be a clever double name, what with Hearthfire corresponding to September in our calendar (dullards who just got the title of this blog post really need to learn more) and also referring in a sad, sappy way to hearth and home. Then we get the blatant lie. It is NOT going to let you design your own home. You'll get to pick and choose between some pre-built stuff because that's the way Bethesda's modding system works.
But the worst thing. The very worst thing is that this piece of shit is going to cost hundreds of Microsoft points on XBox and related amounts of cash elsewhere... and you're all going to fucking buy it because you're all fanbois of the worst kind.
Once you're able to "design" and "build" your own house, I suggest you download the My Little Pony mod because that's what you deserve.
Yeah the mod looks to be shit, but...really? You call people and we're supposed to believe you aren't rpeh?
ReplyDeleteYeah the mod looks to be shit, but...really? You call people "fanbois" and we're supposed to believe you aren't rpeh?
ReplyDeleteWhat has calling somebody a fanboi got to do with me?
DeleteYou probably said it once in an IRC conversation five years ago and that's enough to prove that I'm you. At least as far as this idiotic anon is concerned.
Deleteya it's really not hard 2 figure it out but thanks 4 playing guys
Deletenobody talk like you except rpeh or like somebody doing a good impression of him
i mean hell they caught Calliope without too much trouble
It's true that not many people on the net are capable of using proper sentences and correct spelling but finding two people who can does not prove that those two are the same person.
DeleteWhen you get a bit older and stop using numbers in place of words you might find even you start sounding like an adult. I doubt it though.
I'll be deleting any more idiotic comments on this thread. It's a pointless debate and the claim has been proven to be wrong several times. I won't engage with pointless trolling any more.
DeleteAnons: Where's this made-up Rpeh connection coming from?
ReplyDeleteTiber: Wonderful way to sum it up. The purchasable homes that started with Oblivion are nice, but unless you're doing some kind of hardcore roleplay that confines you to your home, the average person goes there for less than 5 minutes to drop the shit that's way too heavy to drag into the next monotonous dungeon crawl. As is, this is one of those mods that would better serve as a freebie. Now, if you got complete freedom over it, then it might be (slim chance) interesting enough to be worth buying.
And, by complete freedom, I mean rather than shit like "NPCs who will supply you with housebuilding materials", you would have to actually knock a tree, make a bed, make a table, etc with real options to the looks, then you'd have to painstakingly place log after log or whatever material to do it and to make the home. And, there has to be a large variety of materials/designs for miscellaneous crap like outer walls, scout towers, etc, in order to make it more varied than what's most likely clicking presets as you said.
Of course, even then, with the mod more interesting, it would still be only a place to drop shit that's too heavy to bring with you into the next dungeon crawl, and therefore is still a waste of money, unless you're a Sims fan. (Like me, but I still don't want to play The Elder Sims- Let's keep the games separate.)
End of my long rant.
I like the Sims too, although Sims 2 more than Sims 3, but NOT while I'm playing Skyrim.
DeleteI actually think this is a clever ploy by Bethesda. Remember Microsoft's exclusivity agreement, in which the first two DLC had to be Xbox-exclusive for at least a month? This is the second DLC.
ReplyDeleteFirst, Bethesda releases Dawnguard. It's a decent DLC, not great, but enough to keep us asking for more.
Then Bethesda releases this piece of shit. No one takes it seriously, and only a handful of people are going to buy it.
Once the exclusivity deal is done, then as a grand middle finger, Bethesda will release an incredible new DLC that's fun, expansive, but most importantly expensive, to all three platforms at once (unless PS3 users get screwed over again, that is).
Maybe I'm reading too much into this, or maybe I'm just being too hopeful. Having designed games myself, I tend to give the benefit of the doubt to the game programmers, but that's just me. We'll find out sooner or later, once they release their third DLC.
Well at least it's not only me. This exact thought crossed my mind, but I dismissed it as too cynical. Maybe I shouldn't have done.
DeleteInteresting conspiracy theory, Jak. Although, I suspect it is merely that, and this is just that mediocre DLC that HAS to come with each TES installment.
ReplyDeleteI applaud your creativity though.
It's something I've been looking for in mods, and while most of the content exists, it's not that great. Kind of a shame that such mods have been made and now Beth wants money for this thing.
ReplyDeleteI do deserve an MLP mod, yes, because MLP is badass.
My Little Pony is "badass"? You officially lose.
DeleteThe entirety of internet frowns upon your conclusion, anon.
DeleteI'm actually kinda glad we don't get many of his kind on UESP. God bless.
One of the top 25 active users and you don't like my kind? Fascinating.
DeleteJust to make a point, the first couple of anons aren't really *that* off...I mean a simple google search turns up three (well two, but three locations):
ReplyDeletehttp://www.uesp.net/wiki/User_talk:Rpeh/Arc_201201#No_Keening.3F
http://rpeh.wordpress.com/2011/04/04/steams-potato-sack-part-1/
http://blog.uesp.net/index.php/2011/04/03/steam-s-potato-sack-part-1
Not that I believe the whole Tiber/rpeh thing, but...
Two of those are the same article so that makes two uses of the term out of everything I ever wrote, which is about 1/6 of UESP, 95% of the UESP blog and loads of other stuff scattered across the Internet.
DeleteI stopped using the word when I realised (belatedly) it was only supposed to be user for Apple fanboys, and I call them "idiots". Looks like Tiber needs to catch up.
Maybe Tiber is this guy? Or this one.
Perhaps Tiber could be me, haha. I call people immature fanboys every day on various gaming forums.
DeleteIt's a common word that everyone uses, so using the term "fanboy" can not definitively prove anybody is someone else.
Stop being boring, anon.
DeleteO Tiber it's so boring when you delete comments
ReplyDeletecomments are often the best part of this blog :(
I agree. The comments are often very good. The ones I delete aren't.
DeleteYeah, wouldn't anybody talking smack about rpeh. God forbid.
DeleteIf you want to talk about rpeh do it on your own blog. This isn't the place for that and I've told you so before.
Deletehttp://www.elderscrolls.com/community/skyrim-team-diary-6-hearthfire/
ReplyDeleteBethesda is making Heartfire because the devs were playing fucking MINECRAFT! *facepalm*
Thanks for the update, Snowmane. If this is true, the only word is "pathetic".
DeleteTo update a very, very old meme, if you want Minecraft, you know where to find it.